Letting Go
by Krys1
Summary: Not only is Abby letting go of a good friend, but the one person she can't live without.


Letting Go  
  
By Cristallo cristalla16@msn.com  
  
  
  
Oh, let me let go, darlin', won't you  
  
I just gotta know  
  
Oh, I gotta know  
  
If this is for the best, why are you still in my heart  
  
You're still in my soul  
  
Let me let go  
  
Oh, won't you let me let go  
  
Let me let go  
  
~"Let Me Let Go" by Faith Hill  
  
****  
  
The lights of Doc Magoo's reflected in the murky puddles in the ER ambulance bay of County General. The bitter cold surrounded Abby as she stepped out of emergency doors, away from the warmth of the hectic ER. It had been a long day, and she was looking forward to heading home. Abby glanced upwards at the sky; it was sure to snow soon. The first snowfall. As she walked towards the El, screeching sirens pierced the unusually quiet air, causing her to glance around. Sure enough, an ambulance rushed into view and entered the bay. She continued walking while watching the paramedics unload what seemed like an MVA or something else that caused major trauma. Then she saw Carter out of the corner of her eye heading towards them, with Susan not far behind.  
  
Abby stopped and watched them become engrossed in saving another life before heading up the steps of the El station and disappearing into the cold night. Hugging her jacket closer to her body, she thought about past Christmas Eves and first snowfalls. Yes, it was sure to snow tonight.  
  
****  
  
The walk to the apartment building wasn't long, but it seemed it. It had gotten even colder, if that was possible. Abby wearily walked up the inside steps leading to her apartment door. Her shift had been longer than usual today since the ER had been down nurses again. To top it all off, they had been flooded with MVAs all throughout the day due to ice on the highways. And only a handful of people had survived in trauma. The worst part for Abby was telling two little girls- sisiters- that their parents had "gone to a better place." She had worked nonstop all day surviving on only caffiene and an occaisional cigarette sneaked outside, waiting for the next ambulance. Waiting for the next person to be hauled in and waiting for them to die. It seemed all she did was wait.  
  
As Abby opened her door and entered the darkened apartment, a coldness hit her. She really wanted a drink... something to get her through the night. Though she wanted it, she knew everything would fall apart again once the cold liquid seeped down her throat and invaded her bloodstream. It would just make everything colder. Yet, she would be numb to the pain. Not feeling how she felt now sounded good.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she pulled off her coat and headed into the living room. Noticing there were messages blinking on her answering machine, she pressed the button and sat down on the couch. The first two messages were hang ups. Then the last message played and a familiar voice rung in her ears.  
  
****  
  
"Abby, hey. It's Carter. I just want to know if you're doing anything tonight. I, uh... had a rough day and would like some company. Meet me at Doc Magoo's at ten if you want. See ya later." BEEP.  
  
Abby sighed. How could Carter do this to her? One minute he was telling her that he'd "settle for someone who isn't hung up on someone else" and be all cozy with Susan, and the next he'd act like they've always been friends and that things haven't been strained for the past month. One step foward and two steps back. It was the dance they have been doing, and Abby was getting tired of it. He rejected her. He had Susan now. Why would he want to talk to only her tonight? He couldn't have it both ways. It hurt too much to just pretend that everything was okay when it wasn't. It hurt too much to be around him and not with him. It just plain hurt too much.  
  
Abby grabbed her coat and keys and headed out the door again. Although she knew she shouldn't go, she had to. It was Carter after all. No matter what was going on between them, she'd always be there for him... and not only because they were friends. It was something more. Something deeper. A something that was buried deep in her heart and protected so no one could hurt her, but there nonetheless. So she headed down the steps of her apartment building and began to walk down the street. Heading towards Doc Magoo's, she watched in awe at the light snow that just began to fall from the dark sky.  
  
As Abby entered the small diner across from County, warmth overcame her. She didn't realize how cold it had been outside; she was preoccupied thinking. The snow had gotten thicker now, and it was sure to be a few feet come morning. As Abby hung up her black coat on the coat rack by the entrance, she glanced around. No sign of Carter yet. She glanced at her watch, which read 10:15. Where was he?  
  
Abby made her way over to a booth in the back and sat down wearily. She wanted to be home right now, underneith cozy blankets and watching the snow fall from outside her window. She used to do that when she was little. The rare times when Maggie was on her meds, they would sit in front of the living room window on the couch and watch the snow while sipping hot chocolate. It was a memory which Abby was fond of, and she often thought of it whenever her mother was manic and would run off, leaving Abby to take care of Eric for days. Then she would show up again, having not eaten or showered. She never apologized either, just went right to her bedroom and locked herself in, not moving out of bed for weeks. Another dance in her life. Her life was full of dances with the two people she cared about most. If there was only a way to stop.  
  
Suddenly, Abby heard her name. She turned away from the window and glanced up. There in front of her stood Carter, covered in snow.  
  
"Hey, sorry I'm late... got caught in an incoming trauma. Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long." he said while sliding into the seat across from her.  
  
Abby took the time to study his face. He looked just as weary as her, if not more.  
  
"No, I just got here myself." Abby answered while they picked up the menus a waitress had just plopped down in front of them.  
  
An awkard silence hung in the air. Finally, after what seemed like a few minutes, Carter spoke.  
  
"I don't know how to really say this, but... well..." Carter trailed off while finding sudden fascination at staring at his menu.  
  
"I thought you'd know the menu word-by-word by now," Abby teased, trying to break the accumulating tension. He glanced up from the menu and smiled somewhat timidly.  
  
He cleared his throat and started to begin again, this time looking into her eyes.  
  
"Abby," he said slowly. "I have to tell you something, and I'm not sure really how to..."  
  
"Just say it Carter." Abby cut him short. For some reason, she didn't like where this conversation was going.  
  
Carter nodded his head. "I'm getting married." he bluntly stated.  
  
The whole world stopped. Everything around Abby seemed to disappear. This couldn't be. No, this just couldn't be.  
  
"Um... what?" Abby managed to choke out.  
  
"We're getting married," Carter repeated, this time sounding more sure.  
  
"Who's 'we'?"  
  
"Susan and I. We. Us,"  
  
Abby nodded and stared out the window in silence, trying to comprehend what he was saying. It made no sense really. Why would Carter be getting married so soon? He must really love her... Abby thought while watching the snow fall. She wished she could escape this moment; just be back in that place she was in before. That place she was in before her heart got broken. Sure, there was hurt there, but now Abby experienced a new kind of hurt. A hurt she wasn't sure she could get past. And what really hurt the most was there was no way to fix it. She felt... broken. Now there was only one thing left to do.  
  
Abby arose from her seat and started heading towards the exit. She paused a moment, wanting to say something-anything-so that things wouldn't feel so unfinished.  
  
"I'm happy for you Carter."  
  
And then she was gone.  
  
****  
  
Why can't I let go? Abby pondered while walking down the snow-covered sidewalk slowly. She had been outside so long, she seemed not to feel the cold anymore. It had been a while since she left Doc Magoo's, and judging by the lack of cars, it was really late. She had been wondering aimlessly through Chicago, mostly by the park. She had started to head towards the river by the hospital, but that place reminded her of Carter. They used to always sit there on the bench or walk along it on their breaks, talking about anything and everything. Abby hadn't realized how close they were and how much she depended on him until she lost him. She had hoped they could get their friendship back, but after tonight, all hope was diminished. Not only did she miss her best friend, but the one person she really felt connected with. He was all she had, really. But he was never really hers. He had Susan now. And, although she knew this, she couldn't seem to let go.  
  
Noise filtered through the atmosphere, inturrupting Abby's reviere. There, across the street, stood a bar. It looked rather busy, despite the late hour and biting cold weather. It was Chicago, after all.  
  
Abby's voice of reason told her to walk away; to not head into a downward spiral just because of one bad day. Yet Abby wasn't able to resist this time. She didn't feel strong enough to fight it this time, and deep down, she wasn't sure she wanted to. So she headed across the street and made her way inside... drowning herself in the heavy metal music blasting and alcohol flooding its way into her soul. She was drowning.  
  
****  
  
The dark navy sky had started to turn a lighter hue of blue, although not quite dawn, when Abby stumbled into her empty apartment. All she wanted to do was somehow make her way over to the bed and crash, not waking up until tomorrow... or maybe the day after. Everything of the night before was a blur; it was better that way. No guilt over something you did if you can't remember... as if it never happened. God, listen to me. she snorted silently. One night and I'm thinking the same way I thought when I was an alcoholic. I mean, AM an alcoholic!  
  
Abby sighed while hastily swallowing the asprin she had grabbed by her nightstand. She couldn't deal with this right now. She just needed sleep. Yes, sleep. Then everything would be fine. This nightmare will be over. She would wake up, feel more like her usual self, and be in control of everything. She would never have another drink again. Everything would be okay.  
  
But it never was. It never would, and she knew it. Nevertheless, she let herself believe it while she fell into a deep sleep for hours. After all, they say things will be better in the morning. 


End file.
